Sure, 21st birthdays are a purely American tradition, but when the opportunity to be as self-centred and narcissistic as you please presents itself you obviously take it. And you wear a plastic tiara throughout the entire process. I didn’t make the rules!
It’s safe to say that after an amazing birthday weekend spent with friends, family and my most faithful companion, wine, my birthday celebrations are well and truly done and dusted and I am ready to reflect on my 21 rotations around the sun on this floating rock we call Earth.
Now, while I certainly wouldn’t call myself an expert in life, or an expert in anything for that matter, I am convinced that everyone is interested in what I have to say. So, naturally, I put together a list of potentially -read definitely- useless things I’ve learnt in my 21 years of existence. So, by all means, read ahead to learn nothing of value and thank me later.
1. The girls in high school that used to slut-shame other girls and tell them to kill themselves via Ask.fm are now becoming primary school teachers and nurses
2. Several does not mean seven even though it sounds like it would
3. While people will inevitably let you down in life, a bottle of Mateus rosé never does. I repeat, never.
4. Sweet and sour sauce from McDonald’s is the only sauce that matters and is essential to every nugget meal
5. Mixing vodka with Midori to make it ‘an easier shot to take’ just makes it easier to give yourself alcohol poisoning and miss the entire music festival you’d spent months looking forward to
6. Gladiator sandals were a terrible trend and deserved their quick and quiet death back in the 2010s. The same goes for those weird jelly shoes that I can proudly say I never wore.
7. Scandinavia isn’t an actual country, but you probably already knew that (in my defence, I only thought Scandanavia was its own country up until I was 14, but I’m still embarrassed nonetheless)
8. The person who sits in the passenger seat of the Uber is 9 times out of 10 the Mum of the group. A.K.A me.
9. Starburst squirts were the best lollies to ever grace this Earth and not even sour worms will ever fill the hole in your heart left behind after their discontinuation. The same sad reality applies to Dixie Drumsticks. Gone, but never forgotten.
10. When someone starts a sentence with ‘no offence’, they are most definitely about to offend you and then proceed to message the boy you like on Kik and religiously watch Shani Grimmond’s YouTube videos
11. When calculated correctly, starting an assignment at the last minute can give you just enough adrenaline to turn you into a productive, efficient and unstoppable machine. No HDs are guaranteed though.
12. A side-fringe is almost always a bad idea
13. Insisting to put Shrek on during ‘Netflix and chill’ is 100 per cent effective in ruining the vibe and granting you a swift escape route
14. The person that steals a traffic cone on a night out didn’t receive enough attention growing up
15. Even though you despise snobby traveller-types, as soon as you return from your ‘life-changing Euro trip’ all you can do is relate everything to your experience abroad and look down your nose at all the uncultured peasants that surround you
15. A religious devotion to Jordan Peterson is the only red flag a girl could ever need
16. Capitalism will make you feel like an unproductive failure no matter how many internships, jobs and side hustles you attempt, and inevitably fail to juggle. So, taking a break to do absolutely nothing at all every now and again is more than okay.
17. Butterfly tattoos are the new and marginally improved infinity tattoo
18. Caffeine is a powerful laxative and should never be underestimated, especially when consumed in the form of vodka Redbulls
19. Nothing compares to sharing stories from your night out as you smash down a mandatory hangover kebab with your friends
20. Just like you snidely remarked to your maths teacher back in year nine, you will never use Pythagoras or algebra in the real world. In fact, after graduating from high school, you will eventually forget how to do basic mathematics altogether and struggle to work out the right change when customers give you extra coins.
21. And finally, in the wise words of Hannah Montana, life’s what you make it so… let’s make it rock?
