Recently I’ve been giving some thought to the cyclical and often goal-oriented nature of life. Having now entered the ‘fresh grad’ phase of life in which getting a nine to five job or moving to another country both seem entirely plausible, I now have plenty of time to ponder, you see.
In this strange time period between graduating and starting society’s notion of ‘real life’ -working a full-time job, bogging yourself down with somewhat manageable financial debt, buying Tupperware and the rest- I’ve come to realise how many of us have been hardwired to view life as a series of tasks, goals and stages; like levels in a game.
From the moment we’re born, people are watching us with anticipation and a degree of impatience for us to reach milestones; our first steps, first words, first day at kindergarten, our high school graduation, first job, and the rest of it. Once we’ve achieved one milestone, we’re swiftly nudged onto the next, often with little time for reflection and gratitude in between.
Even celebrations of milestones like graduation ceremonies feel like yet another task to complete and tick off the never-ending list of life goals. While getting ready for my own university graduation a couple of months ago I caught myself thinking, god, I can’t wait for this whole thing to be done. I just need to get some photos for my LinkedIn profile before I leave, and- why won’t this stupid sash go on properly? How the fuck does this even work?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that even when attempting to celebrate how far I’ve come, my thoughts are immediately consumed by the next goal, the next thing. There’s no time to feel proud of myself, to reflect on the obstacles I’ve overcome or to feel content in the present moment. And in an age where every award, relationship, accomplishment simply must be broadcast to the world via social media, I know I can’t be alone in this hollow, sobering feeling of ‘great, what’s next?’.
The strangest part of my epiphany about the never-ending capitalistic hamster wheel that is life is that despite the overwhelming stress, the constant nagging feeling that I’ve forgotten to do something, the wishing time away and the stress-induced shingles (turns out shingles in 16-year-olds is pretty uncommon and a major indication that you’re body isn’t coping with stress), I feel lost and purposeless without the deadlines, the goals, the tasks. Because I’ve never known life without assignments, juggling multiple jobs and internships and I know I can’t be alone in feeling this way.
Despite the filtered Instagram posts of young smiling people holding their diplomas that flood feeds every graduation season, I know with certainty that behind many of those screens are far too many people in the same boat as me thinking ‘great, what’s next?’, followed by ‘oh Jesus, what is next?’. And, without trying to sound too dramatic here, the boat that we find ourselves in is high-speed, filled with friends posting their engagements, job interviews, rejection emails and guilt for not being a twenty-something entrepreneur with a Range Rover, and the driver of this boat is conveniently nowhere to be seen and, I don’t know about you but I feel sea-sick.
And while all of this uncertainty for a control-freak like myself is quite clearly overwhelming and a little less than ideal, I’ve decided that if I am to dodge a shingles-shaped, anxiety-ridden bullet here, I have to change my perspective. Sure, for the first time in my life I don’t know what the next few years hold for me but I guess that’s kind of fun, right? Instead of anticipating another year of school or another year of university, for the first time, I am allowed to anticipate infinite possibilities. Rather than looking out towards a clearly laid out obstacle course with nothing but flimsy participation ribbons waiting at the finish line, I am looking out towards a future filled with all kinds of adventures and spontaneous outings and, I don’t even know what! That’s the exciting part, I guess.
