The dating app success story always comes from a friend of a friend. Apparently, they matched on Tinder and now share custody of a poodle-cross something. The person who tells you this story is always happily coupled up. They too probably share a designer dog with their “partner.”
“Gosh, dating sounds like a nightmare,” they’ll say to you with what you can only interpret as an air of smugness. It is a nightmare. After another unsuccessful first date, you spent the night doom-swiping until you eventually couldn’t bring yourself to look at another “pineapple on pizza?” prompt or a picture of a man holding up a giant fish.
If you’ve been down in the trenches, i.e. in the world of modern dating, then you’ve surely had a version of this conversation with a usually well-meaning coworker or relative. It’s not their fault they’re in love and don’t have to dedicate 15 minutes of arduous messaging time every few days only to be trapped in a talking stage.
Because here’s the thing: the apps that are so-called “designed to be deleted” are, unsurprisingly, not designed to be deleted at all. Why would the creators of these apps want people to join just for a brief period of time when they could keep users hooked in a dopamine loop similar to gambling?
For context, I’m a cis hetero (*sigh*) woman and have been happily single for the past couple of years, although ‘happily’ feels like a bit of a stretch when you’re having to pay twice the amount for a holiday or you’re scrolling through Valentine’s Day posts on Instagram.
Throughout my time as a single gal, I’ve learned a thing or two about dating apps. But, in the name of transparency, I have to disclose that I’m by no means a guru. Truth be told, I haven’t really made the most of them or been on that many dates. I know a girl who used to average three dates a week in between full-time work, social sports and the gym. The thing with me is that I would sooner rip all my eyelashes out one by one with tweezers than force myself to endure three first dates during the working week. But, props to her.
Nonetheless, I’ve got a few Hinge and Tinder dates under my belt (a couple of them kind of awful), alongside countless almost-dates and many failed talking stages. And although I’m still wondering where my emotional and financial compensation is (along with the hot, funny, intellectual, guitar-playing boyfriend I was promised by 90s romcoms), I did learn a lot through these experiences. Here’s what I’ve learnt, so far:
1. Beware of the left-presenting man
You may be wondering “what the hell does ‘left-presenting’ mean?” Good question. I made it up and decided it means this:
Left-presenting (adjective): a person who shows some of the key indicators of left-leaning political beliefs but who actually holds conservative views
Despite being a musician/skater/photographer/barista who wears Doc Martens and smokes cigarettes, he sprinkles Jordan Peterson into the conversation and keeps up to date with QAnon. When the topic of identity politics or feminism comes up, he’ll say things like “I just don’t get this whole non-binary thing.” While you tentatively sip your Guinness (because you’re aiming for laid-back and “not like other girls”), you think to yourself, “He can’t be on the alt-right pipeline, he listens to obscure folk music?!”
Ah, but he is, and his algorithm is spoonfeeding him delicious little videos titled things like ‘feminist gets owned’ in amongst conspiracy theories and boring white male podcasters who are only proficient at talking in circles and being sexist.
If this is hitting a little too close to home, I’m unfortunately here to tell you it’s probably time to cut your losses. Even if he does play guitar and have curly hair, do you really want to have that argument about the gender pay gap? In my opinion, it’s really not worth it. (Unless…?😏)
2. Beige flags
‘I’ll fall for you if: You trip me’
‘Let’s debate this topic: Tomato sauce belongs in the fridge’
‘My most controversial opinion is: Pineapple belongs on pizza’
‘Typical Sunday: Hungover’
All of these are beige flags, a sign that a person is undeniably basic. If someone fails to recognise that their “hot take” on pizza toppings or condiments is actually lukewarm at best, they’re likely to have had a happy childhood. In a bad way.
3. Misogyny is rife
When I say single hetero women are in the trenches, I mean it. One needs to only take a look at the iconic Instagram page @beam_me_up_softboi to see just how many tiny-beanie-wearing sexist soft boys are out there in the world saying things like “girls have it easy” and rambling on about the “creative genius” of Quentin Tarantino.
But it’s not all just toxic soft boys and (apparently) Virgo men making their way onto Instagram meme pages. There’s a wide variety of misogynists to choose from. Hurray!
Just take a look at these Hinge profiles from real men that illustrate how some straight men really don’t like women at all. May god help us.
2. Rose prison
Maybe I’ve been on Hinge and Tinder for too long, but more often than not, I feel like I’m endlessly trawling through profiles that just aren’t my cup of tea.
But here’s the thing; there has to be plenty of people you’re compatible with on these dating apps because around 3.2 million Australians were using them in 2021, with most users falling in the 25-34-year-old bracket (according to Take A Tumble). So, why is it that I’m always coming across incel gym bros who probably still make their mums do their washing?
Well, the answer to this is what a girl on TikTok aptly named ‘rose prison’, which is where all the profiles you would match with are trapped in the ‘Standouts’ section of Hinge where you can only send them a rose (a superlike in Tinder terms).
Of course, sending a rose is simply a no-go. I don’t want surfer boy Tom from Cottesloe thinking I’m obsessed with him, you know? So, in rose prison he stays.
4. Add them on Instagram
Dating profiles are usually shiny, polished and carefully curated things, meaning lots of people only use old photos or only give you a small glimpse into the kind of person they are. That’s where adding them on Instagram gives you more insight into who you’re talking to. And I mean, who could say no to the opportunity for more stalking?
Of course, all social media is curated, fake, you know the whole spiel, and so, adding them on another social media platform can only give you so much extra information. I mean, cool now you know they like film photography, have an older sister and went skiing last year, but are they a good match for you? This is where you need to just get to know them in real life. But before committing to a date, why not have access to all their tagged photos, you know?
5. Prepare to be ghosted
Perhaps the most crucial lesson of all is this: prepare to be ghosted. And to ghost (I don’t make the rules!).
Ghosting is unfortunately part and parcel of the online dating experience. It makes sense considering just how overwhelming it can get, having all these conversations on the go filled with the usual “what do you do for work?” and “what’s your childhood trauma?”, and across multiple apps too. It’s inevitable that you’ll lose steam and let some conversations die. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck sometimes.
6. Sometimes you’ve got to do it for the story
I’m an anxious girly, so first dates are mildly terrifying. But you know what stops me from backing out? The fact that going on dates equals life XP, not to mention a fun story to tell at brunch.
Even if you go on that date and he ends up getting absolutely hammered and asking your friends to drop him at the train station (not before requesting a trip to Maccas first), just remind yourself, this is invaluable content.
Weird dates aside, my dating app adventures have allowed me to realise what it is I’m looking for. Unfortunately, this happens to be a narcissistic indie boy, but nevertheless, I’ve learnt a lot about myself (I need therapy) and have had a bit of fun in the process. Would I rather meet someone in a bar/birthday party/grocery store and have them make me a mixtape and then fall in love? Yes. But will I continue to persevere with what the digital age has given us anyway? Why not. What have I got to lose?